Can't get away from your ex? 8 Reasons Why It Could Be Taking Forever (2023)



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Updated March 27, 2020

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Last updated on March 27, 2020

Breakups of any kind can be difficult and painful. Ideally, it would be easy and clear to move on and heal the emotional wounds that come with the end of a romantic relationship. In reality, however, sometimes letting go of an ex is an excruciating processhow long does it take to get over a breakupdepends on the person and the specific situation. If you're feeling trapped and can't break the emotional bond with your ex, here are some of the most likely reasons why you're not getting over your ex and why it takes an inordinate amount of time to break free from personal relationships:


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They only focus on positive memories.

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It's called a euphoric recall, he explains.Patrick Wani, Ph.D., human behavior expert and author ofGet over your ex now!and refers to remembering past events or people in a positive light while forgetting or ignoring negative aspects. "Although it says 'remembering', it's actually an immediate reliving and reliving of the positive aspects, the joy of the past event or person," says Wanis to mbg.

Wanis explains that the same phenomenon occurs in addiction and is directly related to the brain's pleasure or reward centers.

Euphoric recall is kryptonite to continue saysApril Davis, owner and founder of LUMA-Luxury Matchmaking. If you only remember the good times you had together, it will make it very difficult for you to move on. "It's good to remember that they're ex-boyfriends for a reason, and it can also be good to remember the not-so-great times," Davis advises.


You really think the ex was the best you could get.

The number one reason some people struggle with letting go is idealization, counselor Sheryl Paul, M.A., tells mbg. You idealize your ex and convince yourself that they are your “perfect” partner that no one else can match. But the reality is that there are many people in the world that any person can be compatible with. We really have a lotTypes of Soulmates, not everyone should be in our lives forever.

AccordinglyCherlyn Chong, a transformational coach specializing in breakup recovery If you think your ex was the best they could get and you'll never find anyone after them, you've adopted a fixed mindset, as opposed to one growth mindset. "When you consider that the relationship means a lot more about you than anything else," Chong explains, and your self-esteem essentially depends on your ex. In that mindset, "If the relationship fails, it's because you weren't good enough and therefore not good enough for other relationships."

Unfortunately, Chong explains, if you keep this preordained mindset, that's exactly what you'll get in life. Nothing is stopping you from finding a new, maybe even better, love - except your own self-destructive attitude.


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Do you secretly believe that youhe mustleiden.

If you have unresolved negative beliefs stemming from your past, whether they stem from emotionally immature parents or other exes, Chong says you may be stuck in that mindsetto deservegrieve and inadvertently prolong their own post-breakup healing process.

"Suffering can be so familiar that you might even become addicted to it, like smoking becomes addictive," Chong told mbg. And sometimes the pain can be the only thing left of the relationship and you fear that if you let it go, there will be nothing left of the relationship.

In other words, it's good to feel bad.


You still follow or keep in touch with your ex on social media.

"If you still keep in touch with your ex and/or follow them on social media, it can be a constant reminder of what you've lost," Licensed Clinical PsychologistRoxy Zarrabi, Psy.D., says mbg. "At the same time, [this] could raise hopes of a reconciliation one day."

Ultimately, staying in touch, being in the same social circle, and/or following your ex on social media can make your distress worse and prevent you from moving on. Ono contact ruleit's the best way to move forward.


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You're still trying to understand what happened.

When you don't understand why you broke up, your mind goes into overdrive trying to analyze the events and evidence, piece it together, and generally think further about the breakup. Feeling like you understand what happened is part of the closure it takes to move on.

Still, Paul adds that sometimes people find an explanation for the breakup and then become obsessed: "Because most people find it hard to endure emotional pain, the ego steps in and obsesses over it.Weilthe breakup happened by blaming your partner or yourself for everything,” she explains. "

If youit can'tFind out why, that's fine too. Not all breakups "make sense," and it's normal that people sometimes follow their feelings to make decisions, rather than using "logical" reasons. Allow yourself to accept that you cannot change what happened. Take what you can learn from it, and then let the analysis rest.


You lost your identity in the relationship.

If you lost your identity and/or support system during your previous relationship, Zarrabi says it can be especially difficult to move on because without your ex, you may not know who you are. Focusing on restoring your self-esteem and building a strong new support system that doesn't depend on a romantic partner during the grieving process can help you overcome your ex and the consecutive traumatic feelings that haunt you after the breakup.


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You didn't really suffer.

"When people experience loss, there is a tendency to want to avoid or repress those painful feelings, but ultimately this prolongs the healing process," Zarrabi told mbg.

In that sense, drowning your feelings only increases the time it takes to get over a breakup, says John Kahal, mental health and addiction expert and founder of Capo by the Sea Rehab in San Juan Capistrano, Calif. "When people are coping with a breakup, one of the most common ways is to drown their sorrows in alcohol or otherwise self-medicate," he tells mbg. "It can become a convenient way to numb and avoid feelings of sadness or loneliness while the pain of a breakup is fresh."

Instead of trying to repress feelings by smothering them with alcohol or pretending everything is fine, Kahal and Zarrabi emphasize the importance of processing and confronting feelings after the breakup. "Maybe try a little alcohol detox and take the time to feel and process the emotions that the breakup caused," suggests Kahal. "It can bring a much-needed degree of closure and allow you to gain a fresh perspective that is essential to the progression process."


Their breakup triggered an old trauma.

Emmy Crouter, LSW, therapist atadvice desiredin Denver, Colorado, notes that the story itself is an important part of the breakup process.

"If you come from a childhood of abandonment, abuse, or even feeling misunderstood, particularly by parents or significant others, this can be triggered by the loss of a relationship as it brings back old feelings about your significant others," says Crouter mbg. "Sometimes the breakup [per se] isn't what bothers someone — it isMeaningbehind the breakup and the early memories associated with it that need to be addressed."

In this case, Crouter suggests therapy as an effective way to explore patterns of relating to significant others and how they connect to our early relationships and experiences.


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And now?

create awarenessWeilYou may feel trapped in old feelings from a previous relationship and can't break away from your ex, this is already a significant first step in moving forward. So the next step is to take action and regain autonomy over your own healing process.

Aside from addressing the specific reason you miss your ex, there are moreconcrete methodsthat you can incorporate into your routine, such as Such as setting boundaries on social media, starting a daily meditation practice, or processing your feelings through a journal. Counseling or therapy can also be very helpful, especially if you feel like the inability to get over your ex is taking a toll on the rest of your daily life.

All of these solutions can help bring the clarity you need to ease the lingering anxiety of your breakup, making it possible for youfall in love again after a breakup.


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